Don't read this

I am as happy as can be.

But I'm not.

This is the best year of my high school life.

But it's not.

It's funny how people that mattered the most at one point

suddenly cease to matter and whatever they do

just doesn't arouse any interest whatsoever

I like to say that I got over it.

After all, I'm surrounded by amazing, funny people all the time.

They don't judge, they don't ask questions

But that pang of hurt that strikes my heart everytime I cannot join them

everytime I cannot be with them

still comes 

It's nearly the end of the year now come on, I know

I don't even have to be in this class anymore

But the damage is done.

I don't think I'll ever feel the same around them again

I am neither interested nor do I care if I matter to them at all.

It's just getting harder and harder to pretend to be

I'd rather just curl up in my own cocoon

Going about my own business.

But obviously deep down it matters. 

I want to matter

I want to be someone to them

But I feel I'm pushing everyone away, without meaning to.

I feel like I'm included in things simply because 

I once was, not am, me

Like c'mon I don't even fit,

I'm not some social butterfly who can interact with everyone in the group

Or some great advisor and shared some deep connection with everyone 

Truth is, I'm just someone who is included out of courtesy, or obligation.

People who try to help or 'help'

I push away

Everytime I do, 

I wish I wouldn't 

They're all I've got, anyway

I fear 

I fear that I'll never be able to connect again

Truth is, 

I'll never get over it, I don't think

Why I say all these?

Conversations that once never stopped

Runs dry after 5 replies

I don't want to seem clingy,

So I don't ask too many questions

Sorry

I don't know why I'm saying sorry

It just seems appropriate

I've got everything I could possibly want

What more can I want?

For now, chin up 

And act as if I know what I'm doing

I'm not sure if anyone can make sense of this stupid post

But welcome to my thoughts

“So, this is my life. And I want you to know that I am both happy and sad and I'm still trying to figure out how that could be.” 

― Stephen Chbosky, The Perks of Being a Wallflower