2:33 a.m.
I guess it's a question all f5s or near f5s students (dread to) face. 'What do you wanna do after spm?'. Whenever i get this question nowadays, i will give the most general answer i can to the person because i dread it now.
I used to think that because i know clearly what to answer and how that i'd be fine (while seeing my elder cousins/relatives get drilled with this question) but i found that no matter how clear minded you think you are, you'll learn to dread this question so much.
One of the reasons is because people judge.
No matter how noble your career/study choice might be, there's always that aunty/uncle/friend who thinks their opinions are the most right or most important for you to follow. If those characters can vanish from this world, most young people would feel more secure when sharing their creative thoughts and interests with everyone. But as of now, i see most still in their shells, not speaking up for their passions to people (esp nosy relatives ugh) because all those people know how to do is judge.
'That career is not good enough for you'
'That course is too general'
'That college is to clichè'
'That course is so hard'
'You should be something that can make your parents proud'
Idk if its an asian thing or what, i feel every career/course options should be given the same oppurtunities and 'rank' in this world. People (esp older generation) must figure out that creative careers can also give you a pretty stable life.
But this also rellies on the student/young person. If you really feel that a creative path or non mainstream way is the way to go, make sure you do it with extreme hardworkingness as if you're aspiring to be a doctor or lawyer. Only then will you be able to prove those nosy people wrong. Most people don't even put in enough effort to chase what they SAY they want to do, that's why they fail.
Whenever someone asks me that dreaded question, i always find myself reviewing my choices. Most of the time not of my career choice, but how on earth im going to get that career. Right now i'm in a muddy place in terms of where do i go exactly after spm? Haven't really been able to discuss this hugely with anyone (but havent had the time to dicuss anything with anyone lol) but do i go for foundations or a levels? If foundation, do i go in May or in January? If alevels, which college? Decisions, decisions.
The time i gotta face in college as well is so uncertain. Im probably going to look back soon and laugh at how nervous i am right now. At college you have to make your own stand and decide really if you want to stand out or be a background person. I have to find my own identity all over again because there'll be people that make me question that. I have to choose what to wear everyday and decide if i care whether people judge me based on that or not.
Tbh im pretty tired of being in the background. For once i'd like my name to be called out as the most outstanding person in something and not always take second place. #curseofregina
I guess by then it will be up to me to decide whether to let someone else overshadow me bcs i can be my true kiasu self at college haha.
What if i kena ns? I really would not like to go, but another part of me says that it'll probably be fun if i give it a chance. Sighs
And what after foundations/alevels? Can i afford to go overseas? Maybe not. Can i get a scholarship to go overseas? I'll tell you in a year +. IMU offers scholarships if you get a 4.00 cgpa in your foundation course and i literally lol-ed when i saw it. Who am i kidding? Im not smart. I'm not even jonathan level, how am i going to beat (possibly top people from everywhere)? All these things bother my mind so much when i know i can and should let it go for the time being.
What is the point anyway if i don't do well for spm? I'd end up in like those unrecognisable unis that take in like any tom, dick or harry?
I wanna be like celion, vivien, huiwen, reg, kelvin, etc, etc. it's not going to be handed to me on a silver plate. Damn i need to work hard for it. And damn i want that best subject glass.
3:00 a.m.
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