it's hard to be what everyone wants you to be all at once

A daughter. A child of God. A student. A friend. A listener. An advisor. An alumni. A committee member. An aspiring doctor. An old buddy. A sister. A pianist. A teacher. Human. 

Hi there, haven't blogged in a while. 

I believe everyone has this list in their heads, a list of roles we are expected to take on as a useful human being in this society. Some lists are longer than others, depending on your background. 

Maybe it's the two cups of coffee i had today. Maybe it's because i haven't truly laid out my heart in a long time. But it feels as if i'm trapped inside a four-walled space, and the walls are slowly closing in on me. I feel suffocated and helpless. 

-I probably won't feel this way in a while, but that's beside the point-

For the first time in my life i find myself having to write EVERYTHING i have planned on a planner, because things actually slipped my mind a few times already. And i'm not even active in any clubs yet, mind you. 

I need some breathing space. I need some time!

I need time to decide where i want to spend the next 5 years of my life.

I need time to decide if i want to be president for at least two years of my life.

I need time to decide what type of person i want to spend the rest of my life with.

I need time to decide if i want to join that gathering tomorrow night.

I need time to write my personal statement that sells myself and defines who i am in under 2000 characters. 

I need time to decide which friends are the ones worth keeping in touch with. 

I need time to decipher what i feel.

I need time. Time and space. 

People say, "these things will sort itself out, don't you worry"

But i'm scared.

I'm so scared i will miss oppurtunities. Among other things, i'm scared i'll miss the deadlines to apply, to take this admissions test and that.

That's it. 

I'm afraid. 

Afraid of what the future might bring with it. 

Am i going to lose touch w the people i love? 

Am i going to end up in a shitty place?

Am i even going to be in m'sia? 

For the first time in my life, i forget to reply people's messages. (Idk if they get mad at me, i sure as hell hope they don't)  i mean, can you believe it? Reg getting too many messages to reply to all of them? 

Just too many aspects to juggle. 

And i suck at juggling. 

These past six months without the closest people i've come to know has changed me. For the better? For the worse? 

Most times it's great, and it's sunshine and laughter, and i couldn't be more grateful for the friends (eventhough few) that i've made. I do hope we keep in touch (even when we're headed to literally opposite ends of the world after alvls)

Sometimes things come crashing down. And the brain panics. Boom. 

Updates : it's been busy trying to keep up with everyone and everything. Everyone's doing well managing their lives, i suppose. I'm still not good enough, that hasn't changed. Maybe i did have a little hope. Hope kills. Don't hope. Just pray. God won't let you down.

 

To end the night : 

Don't lead people on. 

MANCHESTER MOU #goals

#goals

So it's now after camp, and soon to be, after Christmas!
After Christmas hopefully all the hectic-ness will die down and I can have some time and energy to accomplish my post SPM goals woot woot.
I would probably have roughly 3 weeks of free time to do anything and everything :))))
So this is me listing down my 'goals' so I can come back to this and keep myself in check hehee.

1. Cafe hopping w bae !!

2. MCD trip w bri and small P :))

3. Watch a horror movie with someone/anyone

4. Sleepover w bbys !!

5. BBQ hohohoho

6. Catch up session w 6P gang (nick, rach, chow, joann)

7. Develop photos for my own wall and michk (sobs)

8. Learn to cook / bake omnomnomnom

9. Go for a MPO concert w friends or family

10. READREADREAD

11. Exercise / swim @ club hahahhahaha (macam yes)

12. Go shopping alone

13. Finish up blogposts for 2015 events / thoughts (or at least journal them in a notebook)

14. Get braces and contacts!

15. Practice uke / guitar / bass

16. Worship team jam / training session

17. Lastly, SIT LRT hoho

Hoping and praying that I'll be able to make full use of my free time and achieve all these goals safely hahahaha and that I'll be pro at getting parking w/o crashing my car lols :)))

What Do You Want To Do After SPM?

[haven't let my thoughts flow free for awhile now, and my brain's thought processing machine has been clogged up worse than a drain you find in KL]

2:33 a.m.

I guess it's a question all f5s or near f5s students (dread to) face. 'What do you wanna do after spm?'. Whenever i get this question nowadays, i will give the most general answer i can to the person because i dread it now.

I used to think that because i know clearly what to answer and how that i'd be fine (while seeing my elder cousins/relatives get drilled with this question) but i found that no matter how clear minded you think you are, you'll learn to dread this question so much. 

One of the reasons is because people judge. 

No matter how noble your career/study choice might be, there's always that aunty/uncle/friend who thinks their opinions are the most right or most important for you to follow. If those characters can vanish from this world, most young people would feel more secure when sharing their creative thoughts and interests with everyone. But as of now, i see most still in their shells, not speaking up for their passions to people (esp nosy relatives ugh) because all those people know how to do is judge. 

'That career is not good enough for you'

'That course is too general'

'That college is to clichè'

'That course is so hard'

'You should be something that can make your parents proud'

Idk if its an asian thing or what, i feel every career/course options should be given the same oppurtunities and 'rank' in this world. People (esp older generation) must figure out that creative careers can also give you a pretty stable life. 

But this also rellies on the student/young person. If you really feel that a creative path or non mainstream way is the way to go, make sure you do it with extreme hardworkingness as if you're aspiring to be a doctor or lawyer. Only then will you be able to prove those nosy people wrong. Most people don't even put in enough effort to chase what they SAY they want to do, that's why they fail. 

Whenever someone asks me that dreaded question, i always find myself reviewing my choices. Most of the time not of my career choice, but how on earth im going to get that career. Right now i'm in a muddy place in terms of where do i go exactly after spm? Haven't really been able to discuss this hugely with anyone (but havent had the time to dicuss anything with anyone lol) but do i go for foundations or a levels? If foundation, do i go in May or in January? If alevels, which college? Decisions, decisions. 

The time i gotta face in college as well is so uncertain. Im probably going to look back soon and laugh at how nervous i am right now. At college you have to make your own stand and decide really if you want to stand out or be a background person. I have to find my own identity all over again because there'll be people that make me question that. I have to choose what to wear everyday and decide if i care whether people judge me based on that or not. 

Tbh im pretty tired of being in the background. For once i'd like my name to be called out as the most outstanding person in something and not always take second place. #curseofregina

I guess by then it will be up to me to decide whether to let someone else overshadow me bcs i can be my true kiasu self at college haha. 

What if i kena ns? I really would not like to go, but another part of me says that it'll probably be fun if i give it a chance. Sighs

And what after foundations/alevels? Can i afford to go overseas? Maybe not. Can i get a scholarship to go overseas? I'll tell you in a year +. IMU offers scholarships if you get a 4.00 cgpa in your foundation course and i literally lol-ed when i saw it. Who am i kidding? Im not smart. I'm not even jonathan level, how am i going to beat (possibly top people from everywhere)? All these things bother my mind so much when i know i can and should let it go for the time being. 

What is the point anyway if i don't do well for spm? I'd end up in like those unrecognisable unis that take in like any tom, dick or harry? 

I wanna be like celion, vivien, huiwen, reg, kelvin, etc, etc. it's not going to be handed to me on a silver plate. Damn i need to work hard for it. And damn i want that best subject glass. 

3:00 a.m. 

Comfort

Sometimes I feel like I'm a coward

I don't want to ask people what's going on because I have no idea what to say after

I suck at expressing my thoughts face to face to anyone because I always need time to arrange them. If not I'll end up saying something really crappy and insensitive (always)

My train of thoughts goes something like this :

*sees someone sad*

-should i go talk to him/her-

*person tells me his/her problems and it's really depressing*

-shit what should i say or maybe i should keep quiet-

-maybe i should say "cheer up"? But damn sien la probably many people said already-

-how about "it would get better"? Fak i cannot gurantee that i can't predict the future-

-"don't cry"? But crying is a good way to release stress- 

You see i suck at finding the right words. I don't know how some people do it.

So my stand is to just be there for the person. I think your presence for a person does more than you know, if it's the right person. 

But how on earth do you gauge if he/she wants to be left alone or not? 

I'm never going to master this.

I'm sorry if you want more than my presence, if you're looking for comforting words or positive words. 

All i can do is be there for you and i don't think i've even done that well enough. 

I never meant to be insensitive or pretend like nothing's wrong bcs in my noob brain i'm thinking you need some normality in life atm. 

Or maybe you've already sorted out your feelings and you're feeling fantastic. 

I can never fully understand your feelings but im trying, really. 

[why do i suck so much at reading people]

Driving License #3 : Lessons

I thought it wise to split the final part of getting a license (finally) into two bcs there are alot of things to cover haha.

So one fine saturday when I was finally free again I went for my first practical class which I has previously assumed was going to take 5 hours but everyone apparently does not care about the jpa so I clocked in about 3 hours. There were some complications getting me registered because i didnt take my undang here and wasn't under the same uncle blablabla so that took awhile. After all that boring stuff, we went under a tree (the uncle, another guy, another girl and me) and the uncle began to explain the 'engine' parts. So in this new system of grading, you're required to orally present yourself checking the car ex: you check the tyre pressure, it's ok, so you tell the examiner "the tyre pressure is ok" and you basically do that that for the entire car, opening and closing all the four doors, opening the boot and bonnet and mentioning the engine parts and all. (This part is a little bullshit tbh i mean you literally wind down and up the windows and say "the windows can be winded up and down".)

I assumed we were going to be doing that the whole day (but as I said no one there gave two shits about the hours jpa allocated) but after half an hour or so, i got to drive the freaking car omg. I have never handled a manual before so i was pretty excited hahahah. Uncle had me going round in circles, braking at the end of every circle i made LOL. Did that for maybe 10 circles then i got to do 3-point turn. Basically this is where people usually fail because you have to ONLY stop 3 times. Even if you jerk a little chances are the examiner won't let you pass. Next was the selekoh S and selekoh Z. Believe it or not i managed to go up on the kerb while doing the selekoh S bcs (noob). However i think uncle was in a terrific mood that day so he didnt scream at me 😂 Did many many rounds of those three elements before it was lunch and the other guy's turn to learn. Literally wasted somuch time waiting for the guy to finish so i got sunburnt. (50 shades darker) 

Next lesson i had to delay 2 weeks (ugh) bcs dad wanted to go back kampung. In this lesson I learnt how to parallel park. It wasn't difficult but it was confusing bcs uncle kept on changing his instructions lol like what. I chose a friday this time so i was the only one and got to go home immediately (yasss).

Third lesson was learning bukit (hill). Going up a hill is easy enough, but going up there, being required to stop RIGHT ON THE YELLOW LINE, braking and going down again is hell. I'd say out of everything this would probably be the one causing me to fail if i did fail (touchwood). I always manage to either go way past the yellow line or too far  from the yelllow line. That coupled with you having to control the levels of the clutch and accelerator evenly to prepare for descent is even worse. Fingers crossed i'll do fine.

Fourth and the most recent lesson i've been, i got to go on the road. (😱😱😱) This part uncle told me not to worry because apparently the examiners have been told to gurantee pass (if you get what i mean) me, considering i dont make any major mistakes like crash the car or smth. It's fun, because you get to accelerate up to gear 3, which is about 40km/h (probably more).I mean, in the circuit you don't get to accelerate at all, so obviously that's a big change hahaa. Ohh one thing i forgot to mention was that before you start to go out onto the road, they expect you to do another oral test, but this time inside the car. So you start the engine, and you gotta mention what all the lights mean, whether all your mirrors are looking damn fine and whether your wipers are working or not. At every junction, you have to stop, change to free gear, pull the handbrake, change to gear 1 and release the handbrake, even if there are no cars. This i really didnt see the point of i mean, your handbrake's gonna stop working in the span of 15 mins? Wha? The route that i'm supposed to use is full of holes and the road is small. That along with the fact that lorries go in and out every second is really stressful really. Got screamed at so many times for going too slow tho hahahaha. 💁

I have one last class scheduled before the test and uncle seems to have alot of faith in me that i can pass. Let's just hope he's right. Be back with another update before you know it 🚶

   

This doesn't fit

I believe that fitting in is a choice, not a situation.

If you really choose to fit in with that group, you probably will.

Maybe it won't seem to others that you fit in but the most important thing is what you feel.

How can you say you don't fit in, when you don't even try?

You only show up for events that interest you, where there are like mat salleh speakers and you don't interact with any of us much. 

No one has an easy time fitting in at first, no one can perfectly just zuup into a group the first time they meet.

Those who are able to do so are always the ones who are outspoken and making the first move. Talking first, saying 'hi' first etc. 

Sadly not every one of us were born to be like that. So then? What can you do?

You're supposed to MAKE bonds / friendships slowly. Gradually small buds will bloom into beautiful flowers, and that's when you'll witness the wonderful thing called friendship. If the bond is strong, nothing will part you, you'll feel comfortable interacting with them and not create excuses.

These are people you can openly tell 'I don't feel like doing this' heck, before  you even tell them, they would already know. And these are the friendships I live for. 

How do you think we got so close-knit in the first place? We went through all sorts of turmoils and mountains and valleys, many left, many joined, but who are you to judge from outside that we're perhaps not 'interesting' enough for you? 

I'm sick of people who claim no one accepts them for who they are, claim that they don't fit in anywhere, but do nothing to fix that. 

I'm sick of hearing people complain of being left out of things when (depending on the situation) it wasn't even in their place to be part of something or to know something. 

You've got to know your place in that friendship before questioning something.

Like who am I to question why the alumni don't invite me to their gatherings? Because i'm not part of their 'gang', so i know my place and just brush it off like whatever. 

I used to feel super offended whenever I saw some 'WO gathering' thing on ig or fb but you know what I realised, I'm not the only one feeling that, and now I've learnt not to give a damn. 

And I learnt to fit in without really fitting in. 

So, 

Before you people open your mouths to whine about what people are not doing to help YOU fit in, think about what you're actually doing on YOUR side to help YOURSELF fit in. 

I will find you

Well, technically, i can't find you.

You gotta find yourself.

You can't have other people telling you what you do best because what you're good at might not be what you're passionate about.

I don't have to tell you what you do well or what you don't because i don't think it matters at all. 

So what if you've never been 'good' at anything.

What is 'good' anyway? 

Academically, good is the standards set by the world, 

Socially, good is the average, 

Career wise, good is how other people do it. 

What's good to me might not be someone else's good. 

Maybe you'll end up loving what you chose to become, maybe you'll end up hating it so so much. Well, who's to say that I'm going to enjoy what i'll be doing next time too? No one can be certain until they succeed to be in that position.

So, why not strive to do what you want, instead of what you're told you're good at, and YOU NEVER KNOW one day you might succeed and actually enjoy it. 

Maybe you're thinking 'uh i don't like anything too' but you know you do. Deep down. Dig deeper.

I doubt most adults that we see now actually planned out their life so perfectly. I think it's up to fate. 

Maybe you've been asking yourself the wrong questions. What am I good at? What is the thing that i can do that I'm not going to mess up? 

Why not : 

Where do i see myself in 10 years?

Even if you don't have or you can't find what you're passionate about at this stage, SO WHAT. A job does not define your passions after all. And your passions do not define who you are. 

People are not going to take one look at you and be like 'oh, this person doesn't even know where she's going in life ew'  

WHO KNOWS one day you find joy in teaching small kids WHO KNOWS. 

Truth is, even though everyone seems so fucking certain about what they'd like to be 5 years from now or what their future husband is like, no one truly knows. You have as good a chance as everybody else. 

In the end, nothing can define you.

We are all organic compounds that are going to decompose into the ground the same way everyone else is going to be. 

You are you.

And that's how i'm going to remember you. You are good, no, you are amazing to me. Shouldn't that be enough?