Don't read this

I am as happy as can be.

But I'm not.

This is the best year of my high school life.

But it's not.

It's funny how people that mattered the most at one point

suddenly cease to matter and whatever they do

just doesn't arouse any interest whatsoever

I like to say that I got over it.

After all, I'm surrounded by amazing, funny people all the time.

They don't judge, they don't ask questions

But that pang of hurt that strikes my heart everytime I cannot join them

everytime I cannot be with them

still comes 

It's nearly the end of the year now come on, I know

I don't even have to be in this class anymore

But the damage is done.

I don't think I'll ever feel the same around them again

I am neither interested nor do I care if I matter to them at all.

It's just getting harder and harder to pretend to be

I'd rather just curl up in my own cocoon

Going about my own business.

But obviously deep down it matters. 

I want to matter

I want to be someone to them

But I feel I'm pushing everyone away, without meaning to.

I feel like I'm included in things simply because 

I once was, not am, me

Like c'mon I don't even fit,

I'm not some social butterfly who can interact with everyone in the group

Or some great advisor and shared some deep connection with everyone 

Truth is, I'm just someone who is included out of courtesy, or obligation.

People who try to help or 'help'

I push away

Everytime I do, 

I wish I wouldn't 

They're all I've got, anyway

I fear 

I fear that I'll never be able to connect again

Truth is, 

I'll never get over it, I don't think

Why I say all these?

Conversations that once never stopped

Runs dry after 5 replies

I don't want to seem clingy,

So I don't ask too many questions

Sorry

I don't know why I'm saying sorry

It just seems appropriate

I've got everything I could possibly want

What more can I want?

For now, chin up 

And act as if I know what I'm doing

I'm not sure if anyone can make sense of this stupid post

But welcome to my thoughts

“So, this is my life. And I want you to know that I am both happy and sad and I'm still trying to figure out how that could be.” 

― Stephen Chbosky, The Perks of Being a Wallflower

#OneOfThoseDays

One of those days I feel pretty useless and annoying.

Can you believe it I'm so annoying that I annoy myself.

Suddenly everyone else is like, so amazing and doing so many things and being so perfect.

And I'm here just being me.

I guess I missed the train that everyone else caught.

You see, it's just one of those days.

things i would tell you #1

you don't have to be so bitter all the time girl ♥
you got a long way to go, many more experiences to gain.
being bitter and spiteful against your own friend isn't going to solve anything.
try stepping in her shoes and realise it's not easy to make decisions when you've got so many parties pushing in on you.
she needs you guys.

learn to love.

cant-think-of-a-title title

okay wow i just realised i have only ever used this blog to post SUCH EMO STUFF SORRY. (this is my blog anyway) a travel post coming up, that is, if i care enough to finish it soon.

but i just got to say this
:directly quoting taylor swift:
-this is looking like a contest
of who can act like they care less,
but i liked it better when you were on my side
the battle's in your hands now
but i would lay my armour down
if you said you'd rather love than fight-

i'm seriously so tired of trying all the time, if you don't want to talk to me, fine. i couldn't care less anyway.

stfu

i dont know what you meant by saying "we are slow".
you couldve meant it a harmless way as in today's lesson ended a little later cause we were late/slow.
or you couldve meant it in a bitch way to say we are slow learners.
bitch pls, take a look at yourself and your teaching first.
first of all, when i ask you a question, you give me a shit answer and expect me to understand. actually you give everyone shit answers and teach in malay.
youve got no right to say we are slow learners when you cant teach fast enough. you dont blame us when you cant finish your syllables. it just goes to show how much of an uneffective teacher you are when you have to blame the students for your inefficiency.
never say that again about us.
the only SLOW LEARNER in class is that asshole whom you love so much so just stop judging us based on him. stop judging altogether and start doing your job.
if the class is noisy, by all means kick those who make noise out. why are you so scared to offend them that way? instead you spend the entire lesson nagging them. you think they listen? you think they gaf about a teacher like you?
you are the one wasting time in class and you have the nerve to blame us for picking it up slowly. fucking get to know my story before you judge me.

Success

It didn't come easy.
Oh no, it didn't.
The number of times they made me feel like strangling them is uncountable.
But when yesterday came, they all surprised me.
Like I said before, you think you know someone, and then they surprise you.

Those few seconds before the clock hit 3pm, I felt really emotional like
We did it.
We made it.

I learnt MANY MANY things from yesterday.
MANY MANY experiences that i wouldn't have had the oppurtunity to do if i wasn't part of this family.
Truly, many others can claim to be a family, but none quite like us.

Next year being my last makes me appreciate every second i have left with this family.
Few weeks to go before our seniors leave us.
I wish i had more time with them, I was just getting to know them.

We fight, we argue, we get fed up, but in the end, we love each other.

That is what a family is all about.

sigh

if everything would just fall in place perfectly that'll be nice.
rn in a dilemma but not dilemma situation.
i want the kp post but i dont want it at the same time.
i guess one cant ask for everything at once can you.
if i get kp post, im sure my parents would make me drop wo, which is something i cant live without.

so, with C being super biased towards f, it might be a good thing. althought i still wish to be elected to a post of somewhat importance simply because, i wish to make my mark on the board. change a little to what i think is better.

and besides that im facing the probability of carrying another post in wo next year. part of me wants it part if me dont.

if i get the post, it means another year of putting up with shit from the teachers. seriously they don't even respect our practice dates yet expect us to be oohh so good. this results in me having to run around the entire fcking school almost every week when someone interrupts our practice time. im so sick of that. so sick.
you dont give us what we need yet want us to play for every fcking event. no just no.
and next year would be working with new committee with almost no experience, which means training them. being strict. and having to be the bad guy.
what the next years after mine lack is maybe respect? and probably the effort to do things without a superior asking
im not saying that my batch is super good, but we look out for each other pretty well.
this is also a problem with the p. board because those members lack passion. they lack passion to even carry out their regular duties what more when they are piled with duties they think is not part of their job scope. i wonder, how would you make a group of people like doing something they absolutely hate and are doing it because of the extra points they get?

i can barely handle the shit i get from teachers this year with such minimal posts. what more next year.

sigh fingers crossed everything falls into place the way i want it to. fingers crossed C biases all she wants to f make him head boy. i would very much love to help him no doubts about that and at the same time my parents wont make me drop wo. i dont know about the post tho. sigh.

i actually think f would make a pretty good headboy IF he is helped by a good and strong committee. but im afraid that he would get hate because of certain situations.

on another note i signed up for a new tuition class and im starting next week. the anxieties are kicking in and i keep telling myself that the people would be friendly but idk man.

so much on my mind that i cant begin to put it all in words.

sigh.