things i would tell you #2

i wish you would stop treating every girl like they want to pounce on you and make you their boyfriend or something.
all i want is to have a buddy to talk to and it so happens you and i click.
i've gone past that phase to have stupid crushes on everyone so i would like it very much if you could stop acting like i still have one on you.

or maybe,

you, just changed

scratch that, we both changed yep

in which case i'll just keep my distance.

clichè

okay i'm not going to go on and on about what 2014 has brought and taught me because it has only done one thing : made me stronger.

i'd rather look forward to 2015 because it is looking rather bright at the moment.
i still remember a sermon in church once, where pastor talked about having disappointments in life. (idk if i somehow influenced the topic of the sermon with my facebook post) he said that
'sometimes God lets you fail, only to help you rise up again, soaring higher than ever before' and boy, has he done that.
sure, it was a downward plunge into 2014, but nothing but an uphill ride from there on. i can truly testify now, after i've gone through 2014, that God brings you back up, bit by bit, and before long, you're on top of the world. at the time i couldn't see it, i was blinded by anger and disappointment, but now after everything i can look back and tell you that even if everything seems like THE MOST DEPRESSING THING YOU'VE EVER FELT AND IT TUGS AT YOUR HEARTSTRINGS TILL IT HURTS, it gets better and better. just you wait.

[i will post shorter posts now because i literally hit my head 3 times on the same day really hard and now i have concentration issues jk just lazy]

Don't read this

I am as happy as can be.

But I'm not.

This is the best year of my high school life.

But it's not.

It's funny how people that mattered the most at one point

suddenly cease to matter and whatever they do

just doesn't arouse any interest whatsoever

I like to say that I got over it.

After all, I'm surrounded by amazing, funny people all the time.

They don't judge, they don't ask questions

But that pang of hurt that strikes my heart everytime I cannot join them

everytime I cannot be with them

still comes 

It's nearly the end of the year now come on, I know

I don't even have to be in this class anymore

But the damage is done.

I don't think I'll ever feel the same around them again

I am neither interested nor do I care if I matter to them at all.

It's just getting harder and harder to pretend to be

I'd rather just curl up in my own cocoon

Going about my own business.

But obviously deep down it matters. 

I want to matter

I want to be someone to them

But I feel I'm pushing everyone away, without meaning to.

I feel like I'm included in things simply because 

I once was, not am, me

Like c'mon I don't even fit,

I'm not some social butterfly who can interact with everyone in the group

Or some great advisor and shared some deep connection with everyone 

Truth is, I'm just someone who is included out of courtesy, or obligation.

People who try to help or 'help'

I push away

Everytime I do, 

I wish I wouldn't 

They're all I've got, anyway

I fear 

I fear that I'll never be able to connect again

Truth is, 

I'll never get over it, I don't think

Why I say all these?

Conversations that once never stopped

Runs dry after 5 replies

I don't want to seem clingy,

So I don't ask too many questions

Sorry

I don't know why I'm saying sorry

It just seems appropriate

I've got everything I could possibly want

What more can I want?

For now, chin up 

And act as if I know what I'm doing

I'm not sure if anyone can make sense of this stupid post

But welcome to my thoughts

“So, this is my life. And I want you to know that I am both happy and sad and I'm still trying to figure out how that could be.” 

― Stephen Chbosky, The Perks of Being a Wallflower

#OneOfThoseDays

One of those days I feel pretty useless and annoying.

Can you believe it I'm so annoying that I annoy myself.

Suddenly everyone else is like, so amazing and doing so many things and being so perfect.

And I'm here just being me.

I guess I missed the train that everyone else caught.

You see, it's just one of those days.

things i would tell you #1

you don't have to be so bitter all the time girl ♥
you got a long way to go, many more experiences to gain.
being bitter and spiteful against your own friend isn't going to solve anything.
try stepping in her shoes and realise it's not easy to make decisions when you've got so many parties pushing in on you.
she needs you guys.

learn to love.

cant-think-of-a-title title

okay wow i just realised i have only ever used this blog to post SUCH EMO STUFF SORRY. (this is my blog anyway) a travel post coming up, that is, if i care enough to finish it soon.

but i just got to say this
:directly quoting taylor swift:
-this is looking like a contest
of who can act like they care less,
but i liked it better when you were on my side
the battle's in your hands now
but i would lay my armour down
if you said you'd rather love than fight-

i'm seriously so tired of trying all the time, if you don't want to talk to me, fine. i couldn't care less anyway.

stfu

i dont know what you meant by saying "we are slow".
you couldve meant it a harmless way as in today's lesson ended a little later cause we were late/slow.
or you couldve meant it in a bitch way to say we are slow learners.
bitch pls, take a look at yourself and your teaching first.
first of all, when i ask you a question, you give me a shit answer and expect me to understand. actually you give everyone shit answers and teach in malay.
youve got no right to say we are slow learners when you cant teach fast enough. you dont blame us when you cant finish your syllables. it just goes to show how much of an uneffective teacher you are when you have to blame the students for your inefficiency.
never say that again about us.
the only SLOW LEARNER in class is that asshole whom you love so much so just stop judging us based on him. stop judging altogether and start doing your job.
if the class is noisy, by all means kick those who make noise out. why are you so scared to offend them that way? instead you spend the entire lesson nagging them. you think they listen? you think they gaf about a teacher like you?
you are the one wasting time in class and you have the nerve to blame us for picking it up slowly. fucking get to know my story before you judge me.