There it is again.
The feeling of not being good enough.
Actually, it never actually leaves, it never truly disappears from the corner of my mind.
Sigh, what to do? As we grow up, we get more and more assimilated into the world of 7 billion people and you slowly realise you're not as good as you thought yourself to be.
My primary school batch had less than 100 students, my high school batch had about 400 students and now I'm in a college with possibly the largest intake of A-Level students in Malaysia. (claps to my choices) As I graduate university (if i get in lol), I'll be competing with God knows how many thousands of graduates for work placements.
You know how as a child, you're so optimistic and positive that you can achieve to become whatever you aspire to be. Everyone encourages you to reach for the skies and that with hard work, you'll get the occupation that you want. What a lie that is. It breaks my heart to see the light and determination go out of people's eyes as they grow older and go through SPM. It is taking all my will to stay on track with my personal ambition and to tell myself I can do it when most of the time I'm nothing better than discouraged.
Me : Dad, what if I don't make the cut for med school? Can you handle the disappointment?
Dad : Why are you asking me if I can handle it? It's your dream. I'm wondering if you can handle it.
The real world is cold and harsh. The real world gives so little room for mistakes. The real world does not allow you to queue up nicely and wait for your turn to receive something. You want something? You have to be willing to push people down to get to your goal.
During my conversations with my current lecturers, I often realise how insignificant I am to them. I am but one of the thousands of students they will ever teach (as the college is big) and it's so hard to stand out as I am. I personally feel that I'm someone who you need to know for a long time before you can really understand why I do or say certain things.
Right now I'm questioning my decision to take A-Levels hahaha. Why did I make a choice where I have to go through the same dilemma twice? I'm referring to the dilemma I had when I was making the leap from high school to pre-u, and I'm about to have that same dilemma again (albeit on the bigger scale) when I choose which university to apply/go to.
AS results come out 4 days after my birthday (oh, the joy!), A2 mocks is in less than 4 months and by a couple of months, I'll know where I'm headed for the next few years of my life. Waiting for any exam results kills me omg. It's like I prepare myself for the worst, yet there's always a little light of hope in my heart. This is why I always cry when I receive important results, whether the results are good or bad - because all the emotions are built up and bottled up over 2-3 months and when I finally receive the results, its like the wall of a dam crashing down and the water behind it surging forward (lol so deep)
To my future self, if you ever come back to this post again : wherever you are now, whatever course/job you're taking, you've grown so much from the me who's writing this. I hope you're less awkward now and most of all I hope you can find the joys in life, no matter what disappointments or heartbreaks you've gone through. God loves you,
I've kinda made a deal with God - if it is His will to see me become a doctor, He will open up the paths for me. If it is not, then my applications will be unsuccessful and I will pray for His guidance for my degree choice. But whether I get what I want or not, I will give a testimony for His glory, never mind the people who think it's menial or unnecessary, I'll be doing it for God.
If I keep telling myself I'll be okay, I will be okay, right?
