Hi there, haven't blogged in a while.
I believe everyone has this list in their heads, a list of roles we are expected to take on as a useful human being in this society. Some lists are longer than others, depending on your background.
Maybe it's the two cups of coffee i had today. Maybe it's because i haven't truly laid out my heart in a long time. But it feels as if i'm trapped inside a four-walled space, and the walls are slowly closing in on me. I feel suffocated and helpless.
-I probably won't feel this way in a while, but that's beside the point-
For the first time in my life i find myself having to write EVERYTHING i have planned on a planner, because things actually slipped my mind a few times already. And i'm not even active in any clubs yet, mind you.
I need some breathing space. I need some time!
I need time to decide where i want to spend the next 5 years of my life.
I need time to decide if i want to be president for at least two years of my life.
I need time to decide what type of person i want to spend the rest of my life with.
I need time to decide if i want to join that gathering tomorrow night.
I need time to write my personal statement that sells myself and defines who i am in under 2000 characters.
I need time to decide which friends are the ones worth keeping in touch with.
I need time to decipher what i feel.
I need time. Time and space.
People say, "these things will sort itself out, don't you worry"
But i'm scared.
I'm so scared i will miss oppurtunities. Among other things, i'm scared i'll miss the deadlines to apply, to take this admissions test and that.
That's it.
I'm afraid.
Afraid of what the future might bring with it.
Am i going to lose touch w the people i love?
Am i going to end up in a shitty place?
Am i even going to be in m'sia?
For the first time in my life, i forget to reply people's messages. (Idk if they get mad at me, i sure as hell hope they don't) i mean, can you believe it? Reg getting too many messages to reply to all of them?
Just too many aspects to juggle.
And i suck at juggling.
These past six months without the closest people i've come to know has changed me. For the better? For the worse?
Most times it's great, and it's sunshine and laughter, and i couldn't be more grateful for the friends (eventhough few) that i've made. I do hope we keep in touch (even when we're headed to literally opposite ends of the world after alvls)
Sometimes things come crashing down. And the brain panics. Boom.
Updates : it's been busy trying to keep up with everyone and everything. Everyone's doing well managing their lives, i suppose. I'm still not good enough, that hasn't changed. Maybe i did have a little hope. Hope kills. Don't hope. Just pray. God won't let you down.
To end the night :
Don't lead people on.
MANCHESTER MOU #goals
