PET (Post-Exams Trauma)

There it is again.

The feeling of not being good enough.

Actually, it never actually leaves, it never truly disappears from the corner of my mind.

Sigh, what to do? As we grow up, we get more and more assimilated into the world of 7 billion people and you slowly realise you're not as good as you thought yourself to be.
My primary school batch had less than 100 students, my high school batch had about 400 students and now I'm in a college with possibly the largest intake of A-Level students in Malaysia. (claps to my choices) As I graduate university (if i get in lol), I'll be competing with God knows how many thousands of graduates for work placements.

You know how as a child, you're so optimistic and positive that you can achieve to become whatever you aspire to be. Everyone encourages you to reach for the skies and that with hard work, you'll get the occupation that you want. What a lie that is. It breaks my heart to see the light and determination go out of people's eyes as they grow older and go through SPM. It is taking all my will to stay on track with my personal ambition and to tell myself I can do it when most of the time I'm nothing better than discouraged.

Me : Dad, what if I don't make the cut for med school? Can you handle the disappointment?
Dad : Why are you asking me if I can handle it? It's your dream. I'm wondering if you can handle it.

The real world is cold and harsh. The real world gives so little room for mistakes. The real world does not allow you to queue up nicely and wait for your turn to receive something. You want something? You have to be willing to push people down to get to your goal.

During my conversations with my current lecturers, I often realise how insignificant I am to them. I am but one of the thousands of students they will ever teach (as the college is big) and it's so hard to stand out as I am. I personally feel that I'm someone who you need to know for a long time before you can really understand why I do or say certain things.

Right now I'm questioning my decision to take A-Levels hahaha. Why did I make a choice where I have to go through the same dilemma twice? I'm referring to the dilemma I had when I was making the leap from high school to pre-u, and I'm about to have that same dilemma again (albeit on the bigger scale) when I choose which university to apply/go to.

AS results come out 4 days after my birthday (oh, the joy!), A2 mocks is in less than 4 months and by a couple of months, I'll know where I'm headed for the next few years of my life. Waiting for any exam results kills me omg. It's like I prepare myself for the worst, yet there's always a little light of hope in my heart. This is why I always cry when I receive important results, whether the results are good or bad - because all the emotions are built up and bottled up over 2-3 months and when I finally receive the results, its like the wall of a dam crashing down and the water behind it surging forward (lol so deep)

To my future self, if you ever come back to this post again : wherever you are now, whatever course/job you're taking, you've grown so much from the me who's writing this. I hope you're less awkward now and most of all I hope you can find the joys in life, no matter what disappointments or heartbreaks you've gone through. God loves you,

I've kinda made a deal with God - if it is His will to see me become a doctor, He will open up the paths for me. If it is not, then my applications will be unsuccessful and I will pray for His guidance for my degree choice. But whether I get what I want or not, I will give a testimony for His glory, never mind the people who think it's menial or unnecessary, I'll be doing it for God.

If I keep telling myself I'll be okay, I will be okay, right?

it's hard to be what everyone wants you to be all at once

A daughter. A child of God. A student. A friend. A listener. An advisor. An alumni. A committee member. An aspiring doctor. An old buddy. A sister. A pianist. A teacher. Human. 

Hi there, haven't blogged in a while. 

I believe everyone has this list in their heads, a list of roles we are expected to take on as a useful human being in this society. Some lists are longer than others, depending on your background. 

Maybe it's the two cups of coffee i had today. Maybe it's because i haven't truly laid out my heart in a long time. But it feels as if i'm trapped inside a four-walled space, and the walls are slowly closing in on me. I feel suffocated and helpless. 

-I probably won't feel this way in a while, but that's beside the point-

For the first time in my life i find myself having to write EVERYTHING i have planned on a planner, because things actually slipped my mind a few times already. And i'm not even active in any clubs yet, mind you. 

I need some breathing space. I need some time!

I need time to decide where i want to spend the next 5 years of my life.

I need time to decide if i want to be president for at least two years of my life.

I need time to decide what type of person i want to spend the rest of my life with.

I need time to decide if i want to join that gathering tomorrow night.

I need time to write my personal statement that sells myself and defines who i am in under 2000 characters. 

I need time to decide which friends are the ones worth keeping in touch with. 

I need time to decipher what i feel.

I need time. Time and space. 

People say, "these things will sort itself out, don't you worry"

But i'm scared.

I'm so scared i will miss oppurtunities. Among other things, i'm scared i'll miss the deadlines to apply, to take this admissions test and that.

That's it. 

I'm afraid. 

Afraid of what the future might bring with it. 

Am i going to lose touch w the people i love? 

Am i going to end up in a shitty place?

Am i even going to be in m'sia? 

For the first time in my life, i forget to reply people's messages. (Idk if they get mad at me, i sure as hell hope they don't)  i mean, can you believe it? Reg getting too many messages to reply to all of them? 

Just too many aspects to juggle. 

And i suck at juggling. 

These past six months without the closest people i've come to know has changed me. For the better? For the worse? 

Most times it's great, and it's sunshine and laughter, and i couldn't be more grateful for the friends (eventhough few) that i've made. I do hope we keep in touch (even when we're headed to literally opposite ends of the world after alvls)

Sometimes things come crashing down. And the brain panics. Boom. 

Updates : it's been busy trying to keep up with everyone and everything. Everyone's doing well managing their lives, i suppose. I'm still not good enough, that hasn't changed. Maybe i did have a little hope. Hope kills. Don't hope. Just pray. God won't let you down.

 

To end the night : 

Don't lead people on. 

MANCHESTER MOU #goals